Unsatisfied with the emotional and moral emptiness of science?

Confused about which sub-sub-sub-flavor of your favorite religion you should be following?

 

Be fulfilled and eliminate all doubt with ZOMBIEISM!

 

Zombies know the meaning of life. As any member of any religion will tell you, human beings have an inherent need to discover the meaning of life. Even the irreligious will probably agree on this point. However, when you start working out the details, sparks fly and the next thing you know you have schisms, crusades and televangelism. Zombies don't have an inherent need to discover the meaning of life because the meaning of life is already ingrained into their psyche! For zombies it's simple. The meaning of life is brains.

 

Zombies don't care about the details. When it comes down to it what separates each religion, denomination, and sect is nothing more significant than the color of God's underpants. As the joke goes:

 

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

 

There are no subcategories of Zombieism. There is no West County Reformed Zombieism of 12:23 EST January 7, 1921. It's just Zombieism. Zombies don't care how you get the brains, just that you get them. They don't quibble over whether or not it's ok to eat the brainstem. They don't care if you start with the left hemisphere or right hemisphere. They don't care what day of the week it is. They don't care about special preparations. They just care about brains.

 

As a zombie, you will be complete. Why believe in an incompetent God that, for whatever reason, instilled within us the basic desire and need to create meaning and to be moral on a general level, but then finished the job by putting the details in various books of questionable authenticity? The religious have a desire to create meaning, but need a Bible to discover what that meaning exactly is. The religious have a desire to be moral, but need a Torah to give them specific commandments. Zombies need none of that rubbish. They know, as accurately as possible, the goal of their (un)life: brains. And they don't need no stinkin' book to tell them that.

 

Zombies are free from distraction. Even if you, with all possible certainty, have decided what the meaning of life is and have devoted your life to it, you will always get distracted. For the average Joe, the concerns of everyday life will always interfere with your devotion to your god. Even if, through strenuous mental training, were able to focus all conscious thought on the love and glory of your deity, you still have to sleep and you can't control your dreams. The most pious of nuns will still be fantasizing about a Dirty Sanchez when she goes down for a nap.

 

As a zombie you will literally have no other thoughts in your brain except for the desire of others brains. Furthermore, zombies don't sleep! Being a zombie is a 24/7 quest for brains. No religious order can hold a candle to that! This may sound like a daunting and even boring task but consider: have you ever heard a zombie complain? Have you ever heard of zombies quitting, or forming unions to get better zombie rights? No! Not only are they more devoted to their goal than any one else, but they are content to pursue that goal with unmatched single-mindedness and perseverance!

 

Zombies are free from doubt. This is what you will never see in the zombie religion: an undead Martin Luther nailing his 95 undead theses to the door of the nearest graveyard. The zombie's belief system is completely ingrained in them. They don't need dogma written down and translated. This means they don't need to worry about trusting or worrying whether or not they've interpreted it correctly. Zombies believe and they believe hard. No zombie has ever questioned his or her need for brains.

 

Zombieism is a direct relationship with brains. There are no zombie priests, nuns, pastors, deacons, bishops, cardinals, rabbis, etc. There are no zombie churches, Sunday schools, no zombie scientist reading centers. Each zombie is individually capable of understanding, pursuing and achieving his or her goal of brains.

 

Now, as a Christian, you may be feeling uneasy. You have already devoted much of your life to your Christianity, and now this Zombieism thing comes along? What will your friends think if you give up being a Christian for being a zombie? Worry no more! Rather than being an alternative, being a zombie is the natural conclusion of Christianity!

 

Consider:

 

Zombies automatically follow all 10 Commandments.

• "You shall have no other gods before me" - How is God perceived? In the mind. Where does the mind reside? In the brain. No zombie has ever put anything before brains.
• "You shall not make for yourself an idol" - The only thing zombies care about are brains, but not by way of idolatry. Idols are worshipped, brains are eaten.
• "You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God" - The language of zombies consists of little more than grunts, moans, groans and the occasional "Braaaaaiiiinnnnns!!!"
• "Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy" - Zombies don't 'work' any day of the week.
• "Honor your father and mother" - Only the living have families. Zombies, free of familial ties, have no fathers or mothers to honor or dishonor.
• "You shall not murder" - Murder is a crime. Zombies, lacking any legal system, cannot commit crimes.
• "You shall not commit adultery" - Even the most traditional of marriages ends in death. All zombies are single! No spouse, no adultery. Furthermore, zombies are the most celibate of all beings.
• "You shall not steal" - Zombies have no concept of ownership. They don't desire to accumulate things. They only desire brains.
• "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor" - Zombies can't lie. They never deceitful. Zombies are completely open about the one thing they care about: brains.
• "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife" - The only thing zombies covet are brains.
• "You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor" - Zombies are naturally nomadic. They don't have neighbors.

Zombies are immune to the seven deadly sins.

• Lust - Lust is excessive thoughts of a sexual nature. Zombies have NO thoughts of a sexual nature.
• Gluttony - Some may consider zombies unending desire for brains to be a form of gluttony. Gluttony, however, is meant in over-indulgence or over-consumption to the point of waste where the object interferes with ones devotion. No zombie has ever over-indulged or wasted brains and brains are the very objection of their devotion!
• Greed - Zombies do not accumulate wealth or objects.
• Sloth - On the surface, another apparent no brained. What's slower than a zombie? Sloth is not about speed or energy. It is about apathy, sadness, despair. While zombies move slowly, they never stop. They are always "on". Every second of every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year, forever, zombies are in pursuit of their goal. They move at a steady pace and never let anything get in their way.
• Wrath - Zombies do not possess an emotional state and, thus, cannot feel anger.
• Envy - Even when it comes to brains zombies harbor no feelings of envy or jealousy. They always share and, should a zombie be denied a portion of a brainfest, he doesn't get angry or jealous; he stands up and continues his quest. What a trooper!
• Pride - No organism cares less about its own well being or appearance than a zombie. Zombies are not concerned with fashion, grooming, or even bathing. They aren't embarrassed when they have flesh dripping from their bones. A fresh, lively-looking zombie has no more or less esteem, than an ancient, skeletal zombie.

Zombies are Christ-like

• The creation of zombies is mystical, almost divine in nature.
• Jesus "rose" from the water when baptized. Zombies "rise" from the ground.
• Zombies walk everywhere, dressed in rags.
• Zombies naturally form large gatherings of followers.
• Zombies speak in a cryptic manner.
• Zombies travel many miles to spread their message.
• Zombies are free from disease and ailment. Converting others to Zombieism, thus, can be considered a form of healing.
• Zombies are unjustly persecuted.
• Zombies practice non-resistance and "turning the other cheek." Zombies will allow themselves to be set on fire, shot at, and dismembered. Rather than resorting to retaliation, zombies continue, undeterred, from their quest for brains.
• Zombies don't judge.
• Zombies are poor in spirit (having none), theirs "is the kingdom of heaven."
• Zombies are hungry; they will "be satisfied."
• Zombies are meek; they will "inherit the earth."
• Zombies are peacemakers; they will be called "the sons of God."
• Jesus himself, rising after having been killed, was a zombie himself.

Even if you aren't a Christian, or even if you aren't a theist, there is no better philosophy to follow than Zombieism.

 

Consider:

 

Zombies are supremely content with their lot in life.  Ever hear a zombie complain?

There is no zombie-on-zombie violence.  A world of zombies would be the most peaceful world there is.

Zombies are ecofriendly. They don't use polluting technology. The only resource they consume are living human brains thereby reducing the greatest threat to the ecosystem.

Zombies are free from prejudice. While many countries can claim, technically, to be free from racism, classism, sexism, or other forms of -isms, in practice, you will find that such prejudices still exist. Not so in Zombieism! Zombies literally have no care for race, creed, sex, sexuality, nationality, political affiliation or any other distinguishing feature.

All zombies are equal. There are no zombie presidents, dictators, monarchs, peasants, serfs, lords, barons, bosses, employees, slaves, servants, captains, privates, or any other such method of ranking people.

 

Being a zombie means being truly free.

 

So what are you waiting for? Find your nearest zombie and ask about joining!

 

F.A.Q.

Q: Doesn't being a zombie mean giving up free will?

 

A: Not at all. As most Christians will point out, free will is not contradictory with the determinism necessitated by an omnipotent god. Just because you will do something doesn't mean you can't do something else. We don't know that zombies can't do anything but pursue brains, just that they won't.

 

Q: Doesn't being a zombie mean giving up intelligence?

 

A: As Mark Twain once said: "The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." The lesson here is that choosing not to do something is practically no different than if you can't do it. If you're a Christian, then you've already voluntarily given up using your intelligence for things like critical thinking or reasoning, so you have nothing to lose by being a zombie!

 

Q: But I like my life! I like who I am! Why would I want to change?

 

A: No matter how satisfied you are with your life there is some area that you wish could be better. Zombies have no such concerns. It isn't that they've found a way to achieve all those things, but that their philosophy is so enlightened that they've eliminated the need for those things. The only thing a zombie needs is brains and even if it can't get them, rather than complain or sulk, it simply continues his its quest.

 

Q: How do I "come out" as a zombie to my family and friends? Will they accept me?

 

A: Unfortunately, zombies are the most persecuted demographic in the history of man kind. People will instinctly attack or avoid zombies on site and will take extreme measures to assault them. These measure, however, do not deter a zombie. There are no zombies "in the closet" all zombies are already "out". While it is unlikely that your family and friends will accept you, this is not your fault, it is theirs. By becoming zombies themselves, all will be resolved.

 

Q: Are you a zombie? If not, doesn't that make you a hypocrite? If so, how did you write this?

 

Uhm.... BRAAAAAIIIIIINSSSSS!!!