GOD SHIP

A comedy for those who take their position in the universe seriously.

God Ship: Hull number 68 and I owe you 1;)

Featuring:

Captain Colicky

Petty Officer Joeleeta

Father O;)Mighty

Seamen Peckers

Harvey Mutt

Gunner’s mate 2^nd class Discordia

MILF

Max

And Jet Pilot Dev!

Act 1

Narrarator: We join the crew of GSS 68 and I owe you 1;) as they are caught in a storm on their way to a Caribbean paradise.  On Deck the waves are crashing, Harvey Mutt cowers under the hang out, and Gunner’s mate discordia survey’s the scene.

Harvey Mutt:  ruff ruff ruff!

Gunner’s Mate Discordia:  I know exactly what you mean bro.

We in da shit!

The frickin waves are like,… like,….Muslims!

We need to kill everyone of these bastard suicide waves!

(looks around and yells to another sailor on deck)

Shipmate! Get over here! These Muslin suicide waves will kill us all if we don’t get them first!

Help me load the deck gun, we have to act now!

Sailor:  Yes shipmate, I’ll get the ammo! (takes a few steps and bends over to pick up the ammo can)

Gunner’s mate Discordia:  (finds himself suddenly transfixed on the sailors meaty buttocks. He takes quick action and rips that sailors pants down, bends him over the ammo cans, and has his way with him) You know we will never make it sailor! You know you want it! Oh yea… O yea….

Narrarator:  Act 1 closes to the sounds of Harvey Mutt’s whimpering being drowned out by the angry Muslim waves!

ACT 2

Narrarator:  We join father O;)Mighty as he closes a prayer session over the 1 MC (ships intercom) from his quarter’s as he does every day.

Father O;)Mighty: …and we thank thee for granting safe passage to the crew of GSS 68 and I owe you 1;)

Narrarator: Seaman Peckers takes the 1 MC, blows the bosuns whistle sharply and announces “that is all”.

Seaman Peckers:  Father O;)Mighty, may I bus your breakfast tray now father?

Father O;)Mighty:  You may.  (as Peckers dismisses himself, Father O;)Mighty admires himself in the mirror and understands why chics dig him. He flips on his cd player and sings along as he continues to admire his reflection) “Please allow me to introduce myself, I‘m a man of wealth and taste….!”

Seaman Peckers on the 1 MC:  (blows the bosuns whistle long and hard) The ship is now docked, the ship is now docked, set condition pappa Charlie (port call) throughout the ship. Officer of the day is ordered to post aft of the port sponsons deck. Starboard side liberty status is set. Cinderella liberty is in effect for all junior officers and enlisted personel. (blows the whistle) Carry on.

ACT 3

Narrator:  Father O;)Mighty, on his favorite barstool, far from the beaten path on this island paradise is taking another long pull on his beer bottle when he sees her! She is such a baaaad girl! MILF, he liked to call her, and she liked it too. His shipmates knew her as Mrs. Colicky.

MILF:  You look like you could use some company.

Father O;)Mighty:  Among other needs. Your needs are important now. (hands her his beer) need to wet your whistle?

MILF:  (reaches forward and grasps the divine staff and beer in the other hand, swallows the last of the beer while working that rod) Yes, I need it.

Narrator:  Discretion being the better part of valor, father O;)Mighty takes her to the ladies room and MILF gets on her knees and eagerly swallows. Father O;)Mighty reminds himself to drop a quarter in the bartenders tip jar as the Jukebox starts to sing out one of his favorites. He sings along.

Father O;)Mighty:  “There’s a lady whose sure,..All that glitters is gold….”

Narrator:  Captain Colicky stairs across the bar it him. He knows that’s what he wants. Look at those dreadlocks he thinks. Mandingo Man catches his glance, and joins him at the bar.

Mandingo Man:  Hey mun! Whatchu doooing oba eeere loooooking so saaad fora?

Captain Colicky:  Who me? (shivers going up and down his spine) I, I, ..

Mandingo Man: Metinks you chould cooooooome wit me to a place. We smookin some goooooood weed and you be smiling mun!

Narrator:  Oh yes, he would be smiling mun!

ACT 4

Narrator:  After several days of general debauchery in their island paradise, the crew of GSS 68 and I owe you 1;) prepare for their surprise journey to New Orleans! We join the gleeful crew on the bridge.

Seaman Peckers: (on the 1 MC) The ship is underway the ship is underway. Set condition Uniform White throughout the ship.

Captain Colicky:  Peckers!

Peckers:  Sir!

Captain Colicky:  Look at this map. What’s your position?

Peckers:  Sir?

Captain Colicky:  Your position Peckers. Everyone has a position. Here see? (points to map) You know you can only be in position Alpha or Beta now, since Omega is New Orleans, and you can see that either starting position leads you to Omega, then it follows that your position is what?

Peckers:  Uhm… I don’t know?

Captain Colicky:  Very good Peckers! That’s very rational of you not to know. So you can clearly see that from your position of no knowing, you NOW know that your position is beta.

Peckers:  So which way do I point the ship sir?

Captain Colicky:  Don’t make me use CAPS ON YOU! BECAUSE I WILL USE THEM UNTIL YOU GET IT! GOT IT?

Peckers:  Got it.

Captain Colicky:  Good. Now, (looks around, points out window) go that way.

Peckers:  Yes sir.

Narrarator:  Down in the laundry room, Joeleeta is frustrated and disgusted that she did not get laid in the last port call and vents her anger at Harvey Mutt.

Joeleeta:  Condition Uniform White my black ass! I knows what they talkin bout Harvey Mutt. They don’t have a condition uniform black do they!? Nope you never heard a dat shit just as sure as I don’t never get laid when we got to port. Dam I’m so mad.

Harvey Mutt: (tale between his legs) yelp, yelp, soft moan soft moan.

Joeleeta:  Say what?

Harvey Mutt:  Yelp, moan.

Joleeta:  Father O;)Mighty? No shiiit? Well, well, well. Thank you Harvey Mutt, I’m gonna check dat out.

Narrator:  Father O;)Mighty is relaxing with a glass of brandy after doing bong hits with that wonderful fresh supply of Red Bud. There is a sharp knock on the door.

Father O;)Mighty:  Enter.

Peckers:  Petty officer Joeleeta seeks counsel Father, may I send her in?

Father O;)Mighty:  You may. (As Joleeta enters the room, he pushes play on the cd player, and sings along) You need coolin, baby Im not foolin, Im gonna send you back to schoolin, Way down inside, honey you need it,

Joeleeta: Instantly mesmerized and quivering with excitement, she drops to her knees!

Scene fades out. Im gonna give you my love,
Im gonna give you my love. Oh!! Wanna whole lotta love?

Act 5

Narrator:  After the tedious and taxing map discussion with Peckers, Captain Colicky retires to the Captains cabin. We are surprised to see that Mandingo Man is a stowaway, living with the Captain.

Captain Colicky:  Oh Mandingo Man, you are so hot. Can I wash you hair?

Mandingo Man:  Not now mun. Der is a problem!

Captain Colicky:  A problem? What Mandingo Man? I am in charge out there. I can fix it for you!

Mandingo Man:  No mun. dis is a biiig problem in eere! I tinking you crazy mun, you smoke up all o da red bud mun!

Captain Colicky: No Mandingo Man, not me!! It was Peckers I swear to you!

Mandingo Man:  listen how you getting to crazy now wit yourself. Wear my pants mun? I git out o eere. I got to get da red bud. Its finished now 10 minutes ago, no mooore red bud! Are you eering me crazy white mun? get my pants!

Captain Colicky:  No Mandingo Man! Don’t get dressed! I need you!

Mandingo Man:  Dats it Im outta eeere. (bolts to the door, runs out, naked with his big whopper, flapping behind him)

Narrator:  Captain Colicky runs after his beloved Mandingo Man but its too late. Flinging open an outer hatch, Mandingo Man jumps for all he is worth, waiting to feel the cool water surround him. But it was the wrong hatch. And unfortunately he jumped wildly through and straight towards the helo deck. A chopper, just taking off, was in the way. Captain Colicky looked on as Mandingo Man’s cock was caught in the rotor blades. Mandingo man was spun around several times before his cock broke. He was flung far out to sea, the chopper came crashing down as the big member jammed up the rotor blades. The Captain’s screams for Mandingo Man were drowned out as Peckers announced on the 1 MC:   man over board, man over board. Launch SAR team 1. fire fire fire, fire on the helo pad. FART team 1 and 2 respond to helo pad fire. Activate the emergency response coordination center. General quarters general quarters, this is not a drill. Sections chiefs report at hack plus 3, stand by…..hack. Set condition zebra throughout the ship. Time, time plus 1, time plus 1.….

Although he had previously suspected it, Captain Colicky was now sure god hated him.

Act 6

Narrator:  Jet Pilot Dev is sent in to escort the God Ship back to safe harbor. We join Jet Pilot Dev in the cockpit of his harrier jump jet.

Jet Pilot Dev:  Slob ship this is Jet Pilot Dev. Maintain your course while I do some loop de loops to impress the crew.

Peckers: (speaking to radio sailor) you better answer up as Slob Ship if you know what’s good for you.

Radio Sailor:  This is slob Ship, roger Jet Pilot Dev, holding course.

Jet Pilot Dev:  (to himself) Ok you scaliwags, betcha wish you could do this! (pulls up hard on the stick and goes straight up) and this…

Ouch shit. Cut! Cut!!

MoVie director:  Ok Cut! Dev? Dev? Whats wrong champ?

Jet Pilot Dev:  Well obviously you can’t conceive of what is wrong because you must be wearing your moron hat. It’s probably a huge task for those with infantile brains to see someone who obviously has a piece of dust in his eye and logically conclude he has a piece of dust in his eye.

MoVie Director:  Dust, gotcha. Stage master! Someone get the Stage master away from the lunch buffet please.

Jet Pilot Dev:  This crap is not in my contract you know. See here the name tag on my jumpsuit? It says Jet Pilot Dev. Do you see me flying a Jet? Seriously? You need to prove why you think this simulator here makes you think I am flying a jet, with real missiles, and flashing lights all on the inside, buttons to push.

MoVie Director:  Dev, Dev, we got it. We are gonna have it all worked out. Real missiles and everything.

Jet Pilot Dev:  Well I want physical proof that I am flying a real jet, with bombs, and just like I said, physical proof, do you know what PH YS I CAL proof is?

Narrarator:  Stunt Coordinator Max happens along and just can’t resist a little action.

Stunt Coordinator Max: (shouts) Sabers or Cock mate?

Jet Pilot Dev:  Ok, that POS is out of here now, or your gonna get a breach of contract suit so far up your ass…..

MoVie Director:  No no, I don’t know what the hell he is doing here. Peckers did it! I swear!

Jet Pilot Dev:  That’s two breach of contract suits. You make being incredibly stupid look easy. Do you practice that?

Narrator:  Just then a thundering roar of engines is heard. A brand spankin new Harrier Jump Jet lands on the clean off helo pad. Arnold hands Jet Pilot Dev the keys with a smile.

MoVie Director:  Huh? Ya see? Check out dem bombs! JDAMs baby! Ok? Ok? (over shoulder loudly) Are we rolling?

Jet Pilot Dev:  This is Jet Pilot Dev, taking off for couple hours. Be back when I am ready, out.

Narrarator:  Several hours later, at 40,000 feet, Jet Pilot Dev arrives back on scene. He noses over and throttles up. Looking through the super optic he centers the crosshairs on the God Ship! He thumbs the thumb switch and arms the Left Wing JADAM! Immediately gets a tone loc w/visual. Rolling up visual magnification wheel he zooms in. There, in the cross hairs, he can clearly see Max! He sees Max, JDAMS armed, and guidance loc all in one nice frame of view!

Jet Pilot Dev:  (incredulously) Sweet mother of mercy, there is a God!

Dev looks over at the MoVie Director and the rest of the cast like a deer caught in headlights. Yep! They heard him!

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Cut!