A BLACK TIE AFFAIR

AvC Has a Ball!

STARRING

Remington Steele

Joan Rivers

Joesteen

Xnun

Old Brain

Professor Scientific

Nicki

Trogster

Ms. Gorgeous

R. Lee Ermy

Tom Jones

AND:

Last Action Dev!

Joan Rivers: Folks we are live from the red carpet as AvC prepares for it’s inaugural ball. Moments ago we saw Professor Scientific arrive. He looked fabulous! Tom Jones everybody! He will be performing live inside as the rest of the AvC hotties and notties make their entrance.

Remington Steele has just arrived! Can you believe. Wow he looks, I have to catch my breath, so dashing, and look, he’s by himself. Oh I’m a sucker for a tall dark handsome man in suit and tie!

Ok here we go, is that? Well look at this! Maybe he brought an extra for Remington Steele! Trogs, who are these lovely…twins?

Trogs: My favorite ladies are my wife and ex-wife of course;)

Joan: You look tremendous as well Trog… can you believe that folks, one happy family that is!

Suddenly, a loud guitar cries out and is soon joined by George Thorogood and the Delaware Destroyers booming loudly from the fiery red Viper that pulls up onto the red carpet!

Music: On the day I was born, the nurses all gathered 'round
And they gazed in wide wonder, at the joy they had found
The head nurse spoke up, and she said leave this one alone
She could tell right away, that I was bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-B-Bad
Bad to the bone

Joan: Wow, it’s Last Action Dev! I wish I could get over there, can you see how great he looks! Bad to the bone, I need a fan, hot hot.

OK here comes Nicki and Xnun! What a pair of ladies these two are huh!? XNUN just has that bad habit of dressing like that thoughL Eeesshh.

Wait a minute who is this!? Wow I am just… mesmerized! This woman is so beautiful but who…? Wait a minute I am hearing my producer…Ms. Gorgeous! Well yes the name certainly fits oh my- just what a woman should look like! Wow!

Announcer: Taking a look now at the open bar and dance room we get a look at all the familiar faces of the AvC crew.

Professor Scientific having finished the meet and greet up front escorts Ms. Gorgeous to the bar. All eyes stare transfixed, unblinking….

Remington Steele, across the bar, thinks to himself that he now knows what a woman should look like. He catches her eye. She looks, approvingly.

Music starts and Tom Jones sings:

Well she's all you'd ever want,
She's the kind they'd like to flaunt and take to dinner.
Well she always knows her place.
She's got style, she's got grace, She's a winner.
She's a Lady. Whoa whoa whoa, She's a Lady.

XNUN excuses herself to the ladies room. Before she leaves, Nicki asks if she can hold “it”. XNUN looks around cautiously and takes “it” out of her pocket and hands “it” to her. OK she says, I trust you with “it”.

As Xnun is Working her way towards the facilities she begins to hear a heavenly sound of music. That’s much better she thinks and looks for a way to get to where that music is coming from. In a hallway she comes across a janitors storage room. The music seems louder there so she lets herself in. Inside it’s damp and dark with only 1 small light in the corner behind some shelves lit. Cleaning supplies, mops and brooms line the very back wall and the music seems louder. The music seems to be coming from the other side of the wall. She picks up a screwdriver from a worktable next to her and jabs at the wall. She quickly makes a little peep hole into the adjacent room and looking in, she can’t believe her eyes. Looking around, she notices a broken broom handle…and smiles.

The Gunny looks creased and sharp as ever in service Bravo’s and campaign cover. Striding down the hallway he pushes into the restroom with single minded purpose. Inside, Old Brain is sitting on a commode painted gold and the source of that wretched song is revealed!

He shall reign forever and ever
He shall reign forever and ever

The Gunny: What the fuck are you doing in my restroom Old Brain!? Why the fuck is that shitter painted gold!? What the fuck are these stupid little things crawling around on the deck in here!?

Old Brain: It’s, it’s the “throne room”. Get it? He he. When someone sits on the throne the music starts playing, see?

The Gunny: Don’t sit the fuck back down on that thing! Explain these fucking mechanical critters crawling around in here!

Old Brain: Those are my robotsJ I am tying to determine if they are to be considered “life” or not.

The Gunny: Have you lost you god dammed mind!? Look! All that is, is a worthless Iroomba! A fucking no good automatic vacuum cleaner. Those sons a bitches don’t even work!

Old Brain: No really, they are my design. See how they have human like features?

The Gunny: I’ve seen crates of ammunition that had more god dammed brains than you do Old Brain! Do you think taping a MR FUCKING POTATO HEAD to the top of an Iroomba is gonna convince anyone that your more useful than a football bat? I don’t fucking think so! Are you telling me you don’t know your own left from your right? Look, what arm is sticking out the left side of this ones potato head?

Old Brain: R R Right arm sir?

The Gunny: Out fucking standing brainless! This has got to be the most grabassticle cluster-fuck I have ever laid my eyes on Old Brain! Your gonna unfuck this place 10 minutes ago! It’s gonna be so clean in here that the virgin mother herself would come down here and eat cheerios right off this god dammed deck! Your gonna get this place unfucked or you will be in a world of shit!

Back at the bar, cocktail hour is going well. The AvC members are mingling and enjoying the refreshments. Tom Jones is putting on a hell of a show!

Remington Steele has not let her out of his sight. Her style, her elegance and grace. Passing time with the clingy Nicki just won’t do anymore. Nicki’s rambling scatterbrain chatter fades into the distance as the big man makes his way to her.

She knows he’s coming to her. She can feel the anticipation flooding ahead of him, eager to catch up to her. She looks back again, their eyes connect, they feel that brief eternity and she turns. Quickly he follows her into the coat closet. He pulls her to him as she surrenders to his desires and their body’s embrace. Her womanly essence intoxicates as she too is overcome by his manly qualities. A brief kiss, oh my, she whispers.

Tom Jones brings it on cue:

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone
It's not unusual to have fun with anyone

Joesteen: Nicky I have been really impressed with your expertise at handling the hell bound heathens.

Nicky: Gulps at her drink. Hmm, Thanks Joey. Boy I have had so much to drink. Could you pee me to the bathroom? Oops, he he he.

Joesteen: Let me help you me ladyJ I too have had a bit much to drink. Have I told you the latest conversations I have had with god? Yes dear. Let me tell you all about it.

Announcer: The guests are now taking their seat in the main hall. Professor Scientific looks around for Old Brain.

Professor Scientific: Anyone seen Old Brain? We need to do the awards. I guess the Beadle could assist. Beadle, do you know where Old Brain is?

Annoyingly in the background is heard:

He shall reign forever and ever

He shall reign forever and ever

He shall reign forever and ever

He shall reign forever and ever

Professor Scientific: What the heck is that?

Last Action Dev: That’s your completely honest, and deserving of status as a human being buddy, dead brain, serenading his poop.

Professor Scientific: Ok everyone, the first award tonight goes to best new poster. And the nominees……….

Lost and giggling their way through the hallways, Joesteen and Nicki are stumbling their way towards the sound of heavenly music that is calling to them.

They find themselves in the janitors storage room all smelly and dark.

Nicki: Wow that bottle of Champaign you brought with us sure hit the spot huh!

Joesteen: Hell yea. Sure has some kick. I’m seeing double of you pretty Nicki’s.

Nicki: Well you can thank the ruffies for that;) Now get em off!

Joesteen: Huh, what?

Nicki: You heard me bitch. Get your clothes off!

Joesteen: Nicki that’s humiliating (as he quickly looses his clothes)

Nicki: You know you like it bitch! Look at your pathetic self. I always knew you had a micro-penis bitch. On your knees. I’ll let you know when to stop(as she grabbed the back of his head).

Startled by the intrusion, Xnun slowly eased the broom handle out and taking her eye away from the peep-hole, looked around. Who was that up in the front of the storage room she thought?

Clapping and cheers subside. Dman takes his “Best Poster” award back to his seat, all are smiles.

Professor Scientific: The last award tonight folks is the very special Razzy. The awards committee agreed on the criteria of the poster who posted the most amount of useless posts. And while it was at one time a close race, we banned one of the leading candidates which left it a no contest. So this years award goes to !@#$#$%

He shall reign forever and ever
He shall reign forever and ever

He shall reign forever and ever

He shall reign forever and ever

Professor Scientific: Ok, shoot. Last Action Dev, do you think you could convince Old Brain to get off the hopper in their so everyone can hear the awards ceremony?

Last Action Dev zeros in on the bathroom. Almost a cool smile sets on his face.

At the same moment, Xnun bursts out from behind the row of lockers. Brooms and mops spilling over.

Xnun: Nicky! You! What have you done.

Nicky looks up from her position behind Joesteen who is on his elbows and knees, oblivious. She didn’t even stop working “it”, not even as she slapped Joesteens ass and called him names.

Xnun: Is that my, my! Is that “it”? You bastard! Give it to me! Give me my crucifix!!!!

Xnun rushes forward, lunging for “it”, even as Nicki continued to work Joesteen over.

Last Action Dev strikes a Match on the doorway and fires up the big fat cigar.

Last Action Dev: Party’s over brainless.

Old Brain: Well not actually. I have found this to be an interesting testing ground, at least since The Gunny slipped out the back. He he.

Last Action Dev: Guess you think your all scientific and stuff huh, like, some kind of a real human being that actually cares about things like honesty huh?

Old Brain: Look, I’m just enjoying the music and trying to determine if these things are to be considered life or not.

Last Action Dev: To be, or not to be, hm (he says, as he takes out a bundle of acme dynamite sticks and touches the fuse to the big red cherry lit cigar) NOT TO BE.

Last Action Dev calmly walks back down the hall as Old Brain leaps out the door for cover.

Joesteen lays crippled on the floor in a smelly heap between Nicki and Xnun who are pulling and tugging back and forth, each trying to keep hold of “it”.

The golden shitter came flying through the wall and landed on top of Xnun’s head as she collapsed to the floor. The golden shitter fit her head like a glove.

And there she reigns forever and ever

And there she reigns forever and ever

MoVie Director: Cut! Roll credits!

And if you like this you can find another great Multiverse production here:

http://groups.google.com/group/Atheism-vs-Christianity/web/god-ship-a-comedy?hl=en

Music for credits

Some Kinda Wonderful

By Grand Funk Railroad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOIYU7UmZnY

I dont need a whole lots of money,
I dont need a big fine car.
I got everything that a man could want,
I got more than I could ask for.
I dont have to run around,
I dont have to stay out all night.
cause I got me a sweet ... a sweet, lovin woman,
And she knows just how to treat me right.

Well my baby, shes alright,
Well my baby, shes clean out-of-sight.
Dont you know that shes ... shes some kind of wonderful.
Shes some kind of wonderful ... yes she is, shes,
Shes some kind of wonderful, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahhh ...

When I hold her in my arms,
You know she sets my soul on fire.
Oooh, when my baby kisses me,
My heart becomes filled with desire.
When she wraps her lovin arms around me,
About drives me out of my mind.
Yeah, when my baby kisses me,
Chills run up and down my spine.

My baby, shes alright,
My baby, shes clean out-of-sight.
Dont you know that she is ... shes some kind of wonderful.
Shes some kind of wonderful ... yes she is,
Shes some kind of wonderful, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahhh ...

Now is there anybody, got a sweet little woman like mine?
There got to be somebody, got a, got a sweet little woman like mine? yeah!
Can I get a witness?
Can I get a witness?
Can I get a witness? yeah ...
Can I get a witness? ohhh ...
Can I get a witness? yeah ...
Can I get a witness? yes.

Im talkin, talkin bout my baby. yeah.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Talkin bout my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Talkin bout my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Im talkin bout my baby, my baby, my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Im talkin about my baby, my baby, my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ... my baby, my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Talkin bout my baby, my baby, my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.
Im talkin bout my baby, my baby, my baby.
Shes some kind of wonderful.

Joan Rivers: Look, it’s Remington Steele and that lady who’s just so wonderful. Mr’ Steele the world is so happy that everyone made it out all right. Can you tell us, did you have a good time?

Remington Steele: Well Tom Jones was just fantastic tonight. It really was a special as he performed. I enjoyed it so much, you could say, I was in a Trance;)

He, said with a smile.

Bad to the Bone

By George Thorogood and the Destroyers